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11 March 2006 @ 01:54 am
i'm sad. i'm very sad.

so i'm going to fill out a stupid survey

• outfit: ripped jeans i've been wearing all week, fresh undies as of this morning, a clean tank, a soft, white sweater, and charlie's sweatshirt. i've also been wearing that all week.
• hairstyle: down and dirty
• jewelry: i found a ring at my old house i don't know who's it is, but it's been on my left middle finger for nearly a year. and a jelly bracelet that asks WWZSD?
• underwear: gray cotton VS
• nail colour: none

do you:
• cut yourself: never have
• lick yourself: sometimes when i'm lying on my arm i'll lick it.
• whine a lot: mmm. yes. i've noticed myself becoming much more whiney lately, although in quite a different way than before. this is not a depressed whiney.
• yell a lot: i have my moments. i think other people would say i yell a lot. i become vehement at times.
• have too many friends: far from it...
• want to die: i've decided it would be a waste of my parents' money. i'm so close to graduating.
• do drugs: not recently
• wear dark colours: yes, to match my soul you fuck.
• dye your hair: yup. i'm gonna have to do it again soon... stupid interview.

have you ever:
• worn rainbow: uh. no...?
• talked on the phone for over 3 hours: i was, in point of fact, 13 once.
• left the country: Mexico, Italy, England, Spain, France, Germany, Prague, Istanbul
• had a party with over 30 people: i think that many might have come to the weird reunion thing i had over winter break. maybe not. i don't like lot's of people.
• stolen something: i stole a jelly bean from a candy store once. probably i stole something bigger than that, too... don't remember
• caught something on fire: i used to like fire a lot more and then i lit a piece of paper or something and it wouldn't blow out and i burned a hole in the rug.
• cheated on someone: NO. I did allow someone else to cheat with me, though and that's almost as bad.
• wanted to cheat on someone: yes. yeah. i get volatile when i'm scared. i think in a very reactionary manner, though nothing but words ever really come of it.
• asked someone out: maybe. i get freaked out. i always assume people will laugh...

last person:
• you touched: Rosa
• you talked to: Dan
• you hugged: Rosa
• you kissed: Charlie
• you instant messaged: Amelia's Chris

are you:
• understanding: yup
• open-minded: i think so
• arrogant: at times
• insecure: my, yes. yes yes yes
• interesting: think so...
• hungry: nope. haven't been much for about a week.
• smart: yup
• moody: heh yup
• childish: reactionary, but i think the two are different. i can see it and i do what i can to stop it
• independent: maybe less than i'd hoped
• hard working: when i can focus
• healthy: NOT TODAY!
• weird: i'd like to think so
• difficult: yup. but people don't tend to believe me. i'm accomodating and i have ridiculously high standards...
• attractive: count the number of yes's above after "insecure"
• thirsty: nah
• obsessed: i've been wearing the same sweatshirt for five days because the boy i love told me he doesn't want to be with me. you decide
• angry: a little. maybe if i was more angry i wouldn't hurt so much. and then i wouldn't sound like a whiney emo bitch
• sad: very.
• happy: not a lot
• trusting: almost always
• reliable: usually
• self-disciplined: it depends on the amount of sleep i've gotten
• sleepy: yeah
• lonely: my yes

info about yourself:
• what is your birth name? Kendra Lyris Speicher-Eisenstark
• what is your date of birth? November 7th 1984
• how tall are you?: 5 10, 5 11?
• shoe size?: you know i never remember... any time i go bowling i always have to try on at least two pairs of shoes
• brothers/sisters?: Elizabeth
• what is your favourite brand(s)?: what an odd question. prismacolor.
• colour? pthalo blue
• soda? hate it
• music?: right now i'm becoming accutely aware of how depressing all of my music is... Nick Drake and Carla Bruni don't make me sad
• the mall?: ick
• ice cream?: gelato

in the last 48 hours:
• cried?: yes
• missed someone? have i stopped?
• yelled at someone?: no
• changed your underwear?: yes
• driven somewhere?: Dan drove me home. i took the bus to school. also, dan drove us and greg to burgerville for lunch. yesterday i took the bus to school and jacob took me home.
• talked to someone on the phone?: yeah
• been online: um. yes
• kissed someone?: no
• hugged someone?: thank god yes
• last thing you ate? ben&jerry's chocolate fudge brownie
• talked to someone about something important? yep

have you ever:
• been in love? sadly, i am.
• broken something?: teeth, wine glasses, probably a number of mechanical/digital objects
• betrayed a friend? good god no
• played strip poker? nope, but i would!
• skipped school? i miss those days junior and senior year of high school where we'd ditch and get burritos. i need a fucking burrito goddamnit. and there's no thrill to skipping school anymore. no one cares.
• shot a gun?: yes. thank you Alex.
• broke something important?: i wonder if i've broken hearts. that would be important. and somewhat soothing right now.
• smoked a cig? nope!
• dyed your hair?: yes yes yes

okay, last questions:
• who is sitting next to you? well, there's no one in the house, or in the other duplex. but there might be someone in the purple house next door.
• favourite sport?: sport. sport. clubbing baby seals?
• been in a plane?: so fucking many
• killed someone?: i killed a man to watch him die, wasn't that impressed
• kicked your cat for the hell of it? nope. i did use to swing my hampster around. i didn't realize he probably didn't like it. now i feel really bad.
• are you bored of taking this survey?: not really. it's nice to waste time at 2:30 am when you're sad.
09 February 2006 @ 09:58 am
A couple of days ago I woke up with the song "suspision" by elvis stuck in my head. today, it might very well be "sweet dream baby" for the rest of the day. I haven't heard elvis for a very very long time and am somewhat annoyed by the fact that these songs are popping into my head for no reason.

i'm terribly stress out and i can only assume that that has something to do with it.
17 December 2005 @ 07:18 pm
1. How tall are you?
bout 5'10...

2. Do you own a gun?
i'll point my finger threateningly at you sometimes...

3. Rehab? Counseling?
hurray for shrinks.

4. Have you ever killed an animal?
erm... no. don't think so. but i would. i would kill something and eat it. meat is animals. i'm ok with that.

5. Are you Irish?
um probably. mosly german and polish.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
i like good german sausage. hot dogs are evil american non-equivalents.

7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
oddly, i can't think of any right now. i say "oddly" not because i particularly enjoy christmas songs. in fact, i hate christmas time because radios always play that crap. i say "oddly" because i've been finding myself humming them for months.

8. What is your favorite sound(s)?
sounds... i like deep breathing, the sound of someone sleeping.

9. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
depends. how much sleep did i get and how much did i need. most times nothing. during finals week, a starbuck's double shot out of a can.

10. Do you do push-ups?
at times. i'm not good at them

11. Have you ever done ecstasy?
no sir.

12. Have you been shot?
yes. rubber bands, wads of paper, hairties.

13. Have you ever been hospitalized?

14. Do you like painkillers?
tried some once when my friend broke his leg. made gravity shift sideways. that was funny.

15. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite/same sex?
no secret. i have huge boobs. it's my only redeaming factor.

16. Do you own a knife?
i do i do. a few good ones too. i like to cut tomatoes with really good knives.

17. Do you have A.D.D?

18. Do you love the pain a tattoo brings?
sort of.

19.Name Five Drinks You Regularly Drink:
why have the questions shifted into caps? i don't know.

20. What's In Your CD Player?
the 3-cd player at home has two radiohead things and hedwig

21. What's Under Your Bed?
all my suitcases

22. Current Hair?
redish. boring. longish. want something more fun.

23. What are you wearing?
an apron

24. Current Worry?
that my life will prove to be hollow.

25. Current Love?
C. ... and Riana's baking

26. Current Hate?
lots of things. stop signs. the american train system. especially the train system

27. Favorite Place To Be?
the european train system

28. Least Favorite Place To Be?
the american train system. am i sensing a trend.

29. What would u play if you could Play an Instrument?
my voice is an instrument. and i'd like to play the guitar better.

30. Favorite Colors?
blue. black. alizerin crimson

31. Person(s) From Your Past You Wish You Could see again.
i wish i could see jesse blankenship (i think that's her name), and michaela rego, and colleen hinkley. then i'd like to laugh at their sorriness and kick them till they bleed.

32. Where would you like to visit?
Somewhere with a better train system

33. Where Do you want to live?
somewhere with a better train system. and more attractive people

34. Favorite food?
Tom Ka Gai and sticky rice

35. Color of most clothes you own?
i don't think most of my clothes are one color, but the largest color group is probably black or grey

36. Number of pillows you sleep with?

37. What do you wear when you go to sleep?

38. what were you doing 12AM last night?
trying to sleep sitting up while listening to a drug addict with a below average IQ tell the man across the aisl about his ex girlfriend. again. yup. on a train.

39. What do you think you'll be doing in 10 years?
painting. teaching. learning. cooking. writing. hanging out with my friend. same stuff as now, but probably with a job and a house that i can paint.

40. Are you paranoid?
no, though i am afraid of the dark

41. First piercing/tattoo?
first piercing was my ears. first "other" piercing was my left tragus. first tattoo is the size of a quarter and cost me fifty bucks.

42. Last person you yelled at?
probably charlie. i'm sorry.

44. Last thing you ate?
packaged cookiedough. before that, a really really really good salad

45. If you could be a pirate, would you?
no. i just "read" a book for history about chinese pirates. they were scary.

46. Do you have an iPod?
yes. but i don't have a computre right now anymore... fucking computers.

47. When and why did you last vomit?
senior year of high school, first time i got drunk. never been that drunk since. don't plan to.

48. What's in your pockets right now?
no pockets. there's a pocket in my other pants that has a rent check in it.

49. what color are your bedroom walls?
white. covered in posters and paintings.

50. last thing that made you laugh?
nick and jessica breaking up. i tell ya, they had hubris from the start.

51. any pets now?

52. inny or an outty?
iinny, dammit.

53. do you have any piercing?

54. If you were a crayon what color would you be?

55. Have u ever won any awards?
hells yes, jami. that fucking rocked. I wish we ad kept that poem.... oh well. it will live forever in our memory without words.

56.How many TV's do you have in your house:

57. Have you ever sprained/broken/fractured a bone or gotten stitches?
broke my front teeth. that counts. that counts like whoa. no stitches. but i did get four root canals.

58. Who do you tell your dreams to?
my journal and/or the person i'm sleepin with.

59. if you could pick one person to make out with who would it be?
one? one: charlie. screw you and your "one".

60. What do you think of the person who posted this before you?
jami rocksorz my socksorz
Current Mood: happyi'm with riana!!
Current Music: the shins: oh inverted world
10 December 2005 @ 05:39 pm
Today I am wearing green. I like green, especially this sort of dark olive green. And I very much like ribbed sweaters. My long paper for Doug is nowhere near done. I have 12 pages of written notes, which has been manually translated into four pages of organized typed notes. I have a very firm grasp on an idea which, once I can motivate myself, will be transcribed onto this here computer and printed. Then I will crumple it up into little bits and chew the corners off. After that, I can go home, maybe stuff my face some more to fill this anxious void and zone out in front of some noxious moving picture for a little while while Charlie, dear soul that he is, can take a red pen to my crumpled one-page paper and go "um, ew...?" and then make comments. Once he finishes that, maybe I'll start writing. Oh fuck, I forgot the outline part. OK, so I procrastinate, write my one-page summary thing, write an outline to go with it, print those out, tear/crumple/drool on, and then I can go home. Delicious. You know what else is delicious. I'll tell you: Having a final paper due in three days and then spending two hours restarting your computer over and over again because it freezes over and over again. Yeah. That's a good time. I didn't get any work done last night because my computer farted out on me and there's not really anything much I can do. And that's exciting because it means that I get to spend the next 47 hours (minus break time) in the fuck-tarded ETCs working on a desktop. Yippee. I am sorely tempted to go look at naked girls on the interwebs for like an hour. But that's a bad use of my precious time. Damn it all to hell.
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: about six people typing
08 December 2005 @ 04:23 pm
i'm "working" on this 12 page paper that's due on monday. I haven't really started. it's bad. I can't seem to focus at all.

I decided recently to have a huge semi-reunion party at my house over break and i can't decide it that was a really crazy cool idea or just stupid. i keep saying "jesus, i don't even like half these people, why would i want to invite them to my house!?" and i'm not sure how to respond. i know that part of me wants to be all cool and have everyone go "oh wow, isn't she cool" and "gosh i feel like a nitwit for being such a bastard to her is high school." but then i kind of think about it and i realized that i don't really think anyone was a bastard to me in high school. high school sucked, but not because people picked on me or anything. people who didn't like me didn't know me or thought i was weird. and i was. and that hasn't changed. so then i worry that people are actually going to show up to my house and it's going to be the same. no one will have changed enough for it to be different. my mom says this is what it's like when there are reunions. you bitch and moan about how you don't even like these people and then you have a good time. hopefully that will be true. hopefully people will have fun and not be all weirded out, or they'll be able to take it all in stride at least. fuck 'em i'm kicking them out if they aren't having fun. also, i'm getting drunk as hell so that i can put up with them.

also, i'm going to have to find something i look fucking hot in. because i'm a shallow bitch.

my dad, funny thing, also signed up on thefacebook, which is too hysterical. we're friends now. strange. i have on there that i'm interested in men and women and i don't think i've ever really said that to my parents. i can't imagine that they'll care, but it seems like a funny way to learn that your daughter is bi.

and a funny way to let all the people from high school know. (of course they're probably all like "oooh, well it's kendra you know, she's unique you know. of course she's bisexual. how odd. plus she goes to reed. everyone who goes there is bisexual and does drugs like whoa." bitches.) I am finding myself quite puckish in my sudden caring about what all these people think.
Current Mood: nervousnervous
Current Music: Trio Mediaeval
20 November 2005 @ 01:05 pm
Some things are inherently true. The world is round. This form of truth, imperical truth, is highly important to me. I am a scientist and an intellectual and I believe that it is important to read primary sources, to use the scientific method and to be, to the extent possible for any human being, impartial when discovering (or attempting to discover) truth.

There is also, I will attest, emotional truth. It is true that today I am upset, angry, flustered and scared. Regardless of whether these emotions are based on anything particularly relevent (which, today, they are) they are nonetheless truth; fact. Some, I believe, place an incredibly high importance on imperical truth and fail to give credit to this second kind. I will not argue, nor do I believe, that emotional truth is more important than imperical, but I would be lying if I did not assert that, for me, they are of great and equal importance.

And because there is truth, there are also lies. I detest all forms of lying, both overt and covert and in regards to both impirical truth and emotional. Overt lying is saying something other than what is true. The world is flat. I'm fine. Covert lying takes many, more subtle forms, such as smiling when you don't mean it, failing to express an opinion, etc.

I have been known to say that I hate liars, and I believe that most who have heard believe that I have uttered this sentence in jest. That is wrong. I do, very much, hate liars. My reason for this is that my world is based upon trust. All of my interactions, my friendships, my conversations with strangers on a bus, are based on some sort of measurable trust. I trust automatically, though not completely. I will not give out important information to strangers. I know that some people are bad with secrets or that some secrets are not mine to share. However, given these caviats, I am still an incredibly trusting person.

I have found that this trust provides ample motivation for others to trust. I believe myself a trusting and trustworthy person and value those qualities highly among others. They are necessary, though not sufficient characteristics for friendship (mine).
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
08 May 2005 @ 11:26 am
It's been about a thousand years since i've updated this thing, but that's just the way it goes sometimes. I don't really know where to begin. Renn Fayre happened and the feast that we prepared for 2000 people was delicious and could have fed 4000. (that's what happens when you put jews in charge.) my boy and i had a bit of a falling out, but i've become really attached and realized that i was constantly expressing the fact that i "really want it to work". it's been a week or so and i guess it is working again. he's absolutely a dumb boy, which i think in some way i've always wanted. that's isn't to say he's unintelligent (god knows i'm far too elitist for that to ever be a problem for too long -- see last winter) he's incredibly smart. i think he's smarter than me, which is a good thing, but he doesn't which is also a good thing. what i mean when i say that i think he's a dumb boy is that he wants desparately to be a good boyfriend and cares for me a lot, but don't really know how to read between the lines -- ever. so, say, if i'm working on a feast for 2000 people for 6 hours a day for a week, it doesn't necessarily register to him that said project was important enough for him to attend. attend, that's what it is. he is incredibly smart, but not entirely attentive to the world around him, which is not the say he's self-involved. good god, i think everything i've said has had some sort of qualifier. it's difficult to describe people. but other than the falling out, the fiesta went swimmingly. i got to kiss a boy i've had a crush on for two years and make out with another one i've always found attractive. and that's kind of what renn fayre is about. only next year, it's a party thrown for me, and you can bet your ass i'm not spending 30 hours working on it. and i'm going to be drunk+ for the whole time and so help me if i am not going to be making out with people constantly.

i'm going to be working with one of my profs this summer, which will involve going down to berkeley to do some data collection. it should be really interesting and a fantastic experience. and maybe even a jumping-off point for my thesis.

i've found a place to live. it's a really cute little duplex and i'll be living with a girl i like over the summer (we will be naked all the time and sew because we can) and then will, the perfect roommate and probably a great friend in the making next year. he was in charge of the feast. he loves to cook, he loves to travel and took a semester off in order to go to japan and learn to cook. he loves stinky cheese and dark beer and good music. and he likes my art. i think it's really sweet because he actually asked if i would put it up all over our new place. no one's ever asked. of course, my mom put/s up my art, but since i've lived with people here, no one really has. it's nice to have someone again (think amelia, riana, jami) that genuinely enjoy what i do. plus he makes electronic music so we've decided that we're going to force one another to do art more. but the best thing about the house (other than the hardwood floors) is that the washing machine and dryer are right across the hall from my room! no more walking down two flights of stairs every time i want to do/chang my laundry. and i'll hear it go off! i will always have clean clothes because i can be lazy and still get my laundry done.

i'm going to try to get rid of most of the things i own. i am keeping my art supplies and my books and trying to get rid of most of the other shit. it's going to be really hard. i'm such a pack rat, but we're moving into a place that has basically no storage and frankly i think that's a good thing. there's no reason a person my age should have so much shit. it's gone.
25 March 2005 @ 04:55 pm
there are incredibly few things in my life that i regret, almost no things that i cannot justify in some sort of space-time for myself. one of these few things has a name.

for years i could not comprehend the idea that one would grow to sorely dislike a person to whom one had been attracted to to the point of a relationship. ah the folly of youth. i now know the terror that is "an ex" and the sometimes constant anguish which accompanies it.

I could bitch and moan about this stupid bastard but truthfully i don't care. i don't care enough to purposefully use words that he would not understand. i don't care enough that i almost... almost told him that he was a thought experiment gone terribly wrong. but i didn't. i can't be that terrible. one can only hope that he doesn't know my lj name.

i could bitch and moan, but what i really want to know is this: how does this happen? how can a competent young woman like myself, who is a valued friend to many because of her wisdom and insight, how could i not see this coming!?! what foolish, disgusting, disgracing part of my little mind thought that it was a good idea to date a person i didn't know who has nothing in common with me other than a single friend? how and/or why, god damn it!
20 March 2005 @ 07:37 pm
You scored 40 Holy, 30 Tactful, 90 Natural, and 25 Arcane!

Hmm, you've got the skills, nobody can deny that. You're a hard nut to
crack in a fight, you can hound an enemy like no other, you have a
connection to the wilderness that borders on supernatural, and the
animals back home love you. Don't be fooled by LOTR though, you are not
a natural leader. In fact, you're probably a bit of a recluse, and you
are reasonably rash. You gave up understanding why humans treat each
other so needlessly bad a long time ago, and have just decided to do
what you can for the defenseless of us by savaging the people that harm
what you love. If everyone were like you this world would be a great
place... but since it's not, better get back to hunting evildoers...
with uncanny intensity.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
You scored higher than 56% on Godliness
You scored higher than 12% on Tact
You scored higher than 80% on Harmony
You scored higher than 3% on Arcane
Link: The Which D & D Class am I Test written by effataigus on Ok Cupid
27 February 2005 @ 01:52 pm
springtime is my favorite. the rhoddie gardens have started to come alive and i went there today and took pictures of wood ducks because they are my favorite. also, the best thing ever is pink blossoms. they only last for a few weeks and i'm sure that's part of why they are my favorite.

I am doing something entirely not me! I am starting a painting in... wait for it... watercolors. i know. *gasp* we'll see. i'm doing a painting of amelia for her birthday (god knows people like portraits of themselves... ok no, but so what). i started reading kabuki the other day and it's my favorite. it made me want to do something in watercolor. broaden my horizons.

my room smells like ick and i don't know who. it's a beautiful day to be naken on the front lawn and i don't have time. but i'm happy.

i was constantine last night. bloody good i dare say. and sin city looks fantastic... i have to read it.